…At last, the definitive Ceridwen Devi "Blogger's Bible for Dummies, Bluffers, hardcore anarchist activists and those of the chattering classes with money to burn 2006 Unabridged Edition" which, we must also warn, may contain smug, patronising nonsense. Hot on the heels of Swipe and Quinquireme we add our contribution to this rapidly expanding niche market. In accordance with tradition we shall also adhere to the 8 or 9 rule.
…Yes, sadly you must have one of these. Remember the KISS principle. Keep it simple stupid. And please remember those who love open source and use Firefox as a browser. Not all knobs and bells on offer from "This will look great on your blog.com" work with Firefox because Internet Explorer websites are not always designed to W3C standards and can look like shit when viewed with Firefox. If the dwarves made Tanya pregnant, you don't want the pictures appearing as unwanted popups on Granny's old Apple. Give the poor old dear a break.
…Yes, these are great. More people will really , really love you if you use them. For our French student refugees we would like to explain that a marrow is a large courgette, and if Silvio is reading this, he would call it uno zuchini grande. The Latin name is Curcubita pepo. St. Pancras Station is in London, near King's Cross.
3. Opening sentence.
…Yes, you must have one of these. They are great too. First time visitors usually prefer a picture of a pregnant Tanya playing with a marrow, but if you must then start your posting with a sentence. If you have had a cunt of a day better pop down the "Shaggy Sheep" and have a few pints. Tanya may be there in which case you probably won't be reading this.
…The more of this you have all the better for you. Content does matter if you're being sued. Tessa Jowell has personality and should be PM, so we can all get free chianti on the NHS. Her ex is in deep shit, so he is a loser. Losers often write great blogs. This is the Kaliyuga after all.
…We should be so lucky! Well stuff, like shit, happens. It's no big deal. Me, I prefer real singles bars, full of beautiful men who adore me. But then I'm a goddess so it comes with the job description. Most of the men I know don't know what a marrow is, let alone what to do with it. It's a clitoris, boys, not a rugby ball.
…Ah yes. 6 Is there a rule 6. Not sure so I'll play safe and go on to 7.
7. Spelling and grammar.
…As anyone who has ever read any of my comments on other blogs will know, I do have a problem with this one. So Tanya and the dwarves are safe with me.
…Well yes there should be a little bit of this I suppose. Does it matter. Not if you have the pictures of Tanya and the dwarves. If you don't, link to someone who does, and they may thank you. Links are a cool way of showing the world how many cool sites you hang out in when you should be doing your homework or taking pictures of people throwing marrows or burning cars in Paris.
9. The so-call Swipe rule.
…Bob should know the answer to this one. If it is 42 after all, just ask a good question.
Joli blogging, mes amis.
Also check out Blogging for Dummies by Brad Hill.